If you’ve been around someone with dementia, you’d know it’s not just memory loss. It’s the sudden shift in moods, the disconnection mid-conversation, and the confusion over familiar faces or routines, among many other things.
And all of this is hard because no one prepares you for how emotionally draining and unpredictable it can be. You think, ‘I just need to be patient’ but soon realize patience alone doesn’t cut it. Because the way you’d normally reason with someone or offer help doesn’t land the same way anymore.
What worked yesterday might upset them today—it’s frustrating and heartbreaking. You soon end up worrying, how do I even talk to them without making things worse? That’s exactly why you need to understand what are the golden rules of dementia—for their sake and your own peace of mind.
Today I’ll share the golden rules of dementia care that’ll help you help them. Because when someone’s losing grip on reality, the least we can do is hold ours a little tighter—for both of us.
Dementia is Hard, Both for the Patient and those Around
When someone around you is diagnosed with dementia, it changes everything. Simple conversations feel strained and daily tasks become overwhelming. It’s easy to feel helpless because dementia doesn’t come with a guidebook and it’s hard on both sides.
The person with dementia isn’t being difficult, their brain is struggling to process, respond, and remember, which can make them anxious or agitated.
At the same time, it’s exhausting for those caring for the patient when you have to repeat the same things and face moments when they don’t even recognize you.
That’s why communication with dementia patients is different and you should be hyper-aware of the situation to keep things from becoming chaotic.
Here are a few things you might face if someone close to you has dementia:
- Forgetting names, places, or faces they once knew
- Asking the same questions over and over
- Sudden mood changes or irritability
- Getting confused about time or location
- Trouble following conversations
- Pulling away from social interaction
- Acting suspicious or paranoid without reason
All of this can tire the best of us, but hang in there because once you know what are the rules of dementia, you can handle the situation better.
What are the Golden Rules of Dementia that Everyone Should Know?
Supporting someone with dementia requires you to be smart with how you interact. You can love someone to bits and still end up making things harder if you don’t understand what helps and what doesn’t.
We aren’t taught how to deal with dementia until we’re thrown into it, so understanding a few ground rules is crucial.
If you want practical dementia care tips that help, here are the three golden rules to start with:
Don’t Ask Open-Ended Questions
When you ask someone with dementia, “Do you remember what you used to do for work?” or “What did you eat for breakfast?”, to spark a conversation, it can feel like a test to them they’re set up to fail. That’s because open-ended questions put them on the spot, which adds pressure and confusion.
Dementia affects a person’s short-term memory first, and even if their long-term memories are clearer, retrieving them on demand stresses them. So when they don’t have the answer or realize they should but can’t, they may get upset, shut down, or act out because they’re embarrassed or anxious and don’t know how to respond.
So instead of leaving it open, make things simpler by asking questions with easy choices or talking in statements: “You used to love working in the office near the park, right?” or “Let’s go have some tea now.” It gives them something to latch onto without pressure.
Listen to Them
This one’s huge—a lot of people think caregiving means doing and fixing. But when someone is battling dementia, one of the most powerful things you can do is just listen. Even if what they’re saying doesn’t make complete sense, there’s always a feeling behind it. And if you tune in, you may catch patterns like what calms them, what sets them off, what makes them feel safe.
Also, listen to their body language, tone, and expressions. Are they restless? Fidgeting? Looking around like they’re lost? That’s communication too. And it matters just as much as whatever they’re saying.
Real communication with dementia patients means paying attention and responding to what they need at the moment. Once you let go of needing the conversation to “make sense,” it becomes easier to meet them where they are.
Don’t Argue or Contradict, Validate Instead
If there’s one rule to tattoo in your mind, it’s this: don’t argue. Telling someone with dementia that they’re wrong can trigger confusion and fear as their brain isn’t working the way it used to, and trying to “prove” anything just adds friction.
Let’s say they insist it’s time to pick up their (grown-up) kids from school. Your instinct might be to correct them—but it’ll only create tension. Instead, validate the feeling: “The kids are doing great and safe at home,” or “They just called earlier—they’re happy.” See how you can redirect them gently without shutting them down? How to talk to a dementia patient starts with dropping the need to control the narrative. Focus on connection, not correction.
Stick to Simple Language and One-Step Instructions
People with dementia struggle with processing too much information at once. It’s one of the most overlooked but effective ways of managing challenging dementia behaviors—by simply not overwhelming their brain in the first place.
When you say something like “Get ready, we’re leaving in five minutes, put on your shoes and grab your jacket,” it can be too much.
This kind of instruction is layered: it requires memory, sequencing, and attention—all of which dementia affects. So, break it down for them. Say one thing at a time. “Put on your shoes.” Wait. Once that’s done, move on to the next step because when instructions are clear and manageable, it lowers their stress.
Use a Reassuring Tone
It’s always said that what you say matters—but how you say it matters even more. Dementia messes with a person’s memory and logic. But emotions still land, and that’s why your tone is everything. A sharp, rushed, or annoyed tone (even if unintentional) can make them feel scolded or unsafe. And once they feel that way, it’s hard to bring them back. It’s best to keep your tone even and calm, even when you’re answering repeated questions or correcting a behavior.
Let Them Keep Their Dignity
No matter how far dementia has progressed, the person in front of you deserves respect. It means not speaking over them, not using baby talk, and definitely not discussing them like they’re not there, even if they look tuned out.
The patient might forget your name, your relationship, or what day it is—but they can feel when they’re being talked down to. And when you treat them like they’re not capable or present, it hurts—you don’t always see the hurt, but it’s there.
Always include them in conversations when you’re there tending to them. Speak to them directly, even if someone else is in the room, and avoid exaggerated tones or overly simplified words that feel demeaning.
Show Up With Love, Even When It’s Hard
Being around someone with dementia can leave you emotionally drained. You miss who they used to be and want to fix things. You want to rewind time and make it all go away. But dementia is a progressive condition, and it will change them. That’s not on you.
What is in your control is how you show up for them now. These simple but powerful rules can help you connect, calm the chaos, and make them feel seen and safe. In the end, you’re still showing up and loving them which matters more than anything else.
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FAQs
Is dementia the same as Alzheimer’s disease?
Not exactly. Dementia is a term that describes a group of symptoms that affect memory, thinking, and social abilities. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common type of dementia, but it’s just one of many causes. Others include vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, and frontotemporal dementia. So while all Alzheimer’s cases fall under the dementia umbrella, not all dementia is Alzheimer’s.
What to do if someone with dementia refuses to take help?
First, avoid pushing or arguing as it often backfires. Instead, focus on understanding why they’re refusing help—it could be fear, confusion, pride, or just not recognizing their limitations. Approach them calmly and offer choices instead of commands. Also, frame the help in a way that respects their independence. For example, instead of “You need to take a bath,” try “Would you like to freshen up before lunch or after?” Always keep the tone gentle and respectful.
How do I manage conversations when memory lapses are severe?
Keep it simple and kind. Use short sentences, speak clearly, and give them time to respond. Do not test their memory or correct them if they get details wrong. Instead, guide the conversation with cues and visual reminders if needed. Focus on feelings over facts—what matters is that they feel safe and heard. And if they go silent, don’t fill the gap with too many words. Just being present matters more than dialogue.
